So, quite a while back, if anyone remembers, I promised (or threatened, depending on how you look at it) a list of rules of surviving a horror movie, based on the Evil Overlord List.
Well, I finally did it. I got to a hundred rules. Several months overdue… but here they are. Finally. Enjoy reading!
(Does discuss things of a violent and sexual nature, so be warned).
1) I will never leave the house to investigate a sound outside. If there is ever a point where that becomes necessary, I will not walk out the front door and leave it wide open behind me while I walk around. I will first ensure that all doors and windows are closed and locked shut – and that I have my keys with me.
2) If I see someone dressed as the killer, I will not assume that they’re just one of my friends messing around.
3) If I receive threatening phone calls, I will not try and engage the caller in conversation. I will hang up and call the police.
4) I will keep a mobile on me at all times that’s fully charged. That way, if the phone lines are suddenly cut out along with the lights, I have a way of calling the police.
5) If I’m meeting a friend someplace and everything’s dark, I will not walk into the building and call out to my friend, announcing my presence.
6) When I’m fleeing from the psychotic killer, I will make sure I grab the car keys before I leave the house.
7) I will run out the front door. Not up the stairs.
8) If someone tells me not to go into the dark, scary house, or not to read from the creepy book, I will do as they say.
9) I will not be talked into doing above-mentioned things by one or more friends calling me a chicken or some other juvenile taunt.
10) If I hear a noise and it turns out to be just a cat, I will still be on my guard.
11) Running is never overrated.
12) I will make sure my car is always filled with petrol and that a mechanic checks it frequently.
13) If there are rumours flying around about a cursed object, like a videotape, and my friends all decide to put it on, I will leave the room before they start. If possible, I will leave the building or forest altogether.
14) When I realise the person I’m talking to is the murderer, I will stay calm and come up with a plausible excuse to leave – and make sure I am as far away as possible before I call the police.
15) When I know there are two possible suspects and I’m running, only to bump into one, I will assume that the one I bumped into is the one who’s actually innocent.
16) If the murderer appears to be dead on the floor, I will not go up to him or her ‘just to make sure’.
17) If I find out my so-called friends have taken me somewhere there has been a lot of murders in the past, I will leave straight away.
18) I will never go into the dark, scary woods on my own.
19) Truth or Dare is a stupid game to play, especially when Dare is picked. The same goes for Spin the Bottle.
20) I will not automatically believe the police when they tell me nothing is going on.
21) If my parents don’t believe me, I will scream and shout and kick up such a fuss that they will have to listen (or cart me off to a psychiatric hospital, where it should be safe).
22) Splitting up is rarely a good idea. Safety in numbers.
23) When I’m being chased, I will not look behind me. I will, instead, keep my attention on what’s in front of me. If I trip over a tree root or bang into a wall, I’m definitely dead.
24) If I’m hiding in a tiny place with the murderer outside searching for me, I will clamp my mouth closed and put my hand over it for as long as it takes.
25) If I’m being hunted, I will always make sure my phone is switched off. Or on silent.
26) I will never just assume that the killer has left.
27) If I have a gun, I will not shoot the killer merely once.
28) If my friend promises they’ll be right back and then don’t come back within five minutes, I will not go looking for them.
29) If someone wants to tell me an important piece of information, I will demand they tell me there and then instead of meeting somewhere else.
30) I will always check the backseat.
31) If I’m running from zombies and I see a loved one among them, I will not stop and insist that this cannot be possible. I will still run.
32) I will not walk backwards down a corridor.
33) I will not allow my significant other to drive me to a supposed romantic spot in the middle of the night.
34) If someone is sitting with their back to me and unresponsive, I will assume the worst and get out of there.
35) I won’t lie to my parents about where I am.
36) If my car breaks down after I put petrol in it at a petrol station, I will not walk back there.
37) I will lock and bolt the door to the dark, scary cellar or basement, rather than investigate the strange noise.
38) I will always turn the lights on.
39) I will not try to touch strange things.
40) I will always keep my eyes on the road ahead of me.
41) I will always pay attention to any cryptic comments that are made.
42) Trying new pills, or any kind of experimental item, is never a good idea.
43) I will never pick up a strange hitch-hiker.
44) Child ghosts are creepy. I will not follow or approach them.
45) I will not stand in front of a mirror and say, ‘Bloody Mary’, ‘Candyman’, or equivalent three times.
46) I will quickly form a romance with the most eligible guy or girl, but only when the killing has started. If already in a relationship, I will dump the guy or girl beforehand – unless he or she isn’t in the group.
47) I will not have sex.
48) I will not stop and ask for directions.
49) I will make sure I have plenty of the correct batteries for my flashlight. And lots of spare flashlights.
50) All potential weapons will be locked away, unless I’m carrying them.
51) If I have a chance to leave, I will take it.
52) If zombies are after me, I will find something with massive iron padlocks. Not a run-down house.
53) If the killer is moving slowly enough that it looks like a slow-motion replay, I will not just sit or stand there and wait to be killed.
54) When I see fog, I will always prepare for something bad to happen.
55) I will wear sensible shoes. If I’m stupid enough to wear high heels, I will kick them off if someone starts chasing me.
56) If I manage to get a gun, I will not waste any ammunition.
57) When I’m running from the killer and get to a house, if there’s no answer when I knock, I will try somewhere else.
58) If I’m driving and the killer appears in front of me, I will not swerve to avoid him. Or her.
59) I will never accept food or drink from a stranger.
60) If there is no answer at a house when I go to knock and ask for directions or to use their phone, I will not try the door. If I do try the door and it turns out to be unlocked, I will not go into the house.
61) Whenever I leave my house, car, cabin, etc., I will always lock the door/s behind me.
62) Light switches are my friend. If I’m investigating a strange sound in a basement or even downstairs, I will not take a mere candle with me.
63) If a door won’t open on the first try, I will find another door to try, or even a window. I will not waste time trying to open a door that’s clearly either stuck or locked.
64) If someone is bitten by a zombie, I will shoot or decapitate them – or at the very least leave them behind. Not take them with me so that they can turn at the moment it would do the most damage.
65) I will never get naked.
66) If I’m being chased by something, I will not take the elevator.
67) I will not take part in a seance or use a Ouiji board. Even if all the cool kids are doing it.
68) I will never rush out to meet the police car. I will tell the dispatcher to make sure the police officer doesn’t just randomly get out of the car without even drawing his or her weapon.
69) If my hair isn’t naturally blonde, I will dye it.
70) I won’t take a bath. Or a shower.
71) I will never buy a new house, rent a new apartment, etc., without first checking its history.
72) I will avoid sleep if at all possible. If I absolutely must sleep, I will set my alarm to go off every half an hour.
73) I won’t ever accept rides from strangers.
74) Water leaking under the bathroom door is always a cause for alarm.
75) If something scary is coming towards me, I won’t just stand and stare at it. If said object is a car, giant rock, lorry, etc. I will not run away from it in a straight line. I will jump to the side.
76) I will be suspicious of any person who is overly religious.
77) Alternatively, I will be suspicious of any person who is taking pills for medication.
78) I will never say (or think), ‘It’s just the wind’, or believe anyone else who says the same.
79) I’ll never say, ‘I’ll be right back’.
80) I know what zombies are. If I get stuck in a zombie apocalypse, I will realise the best way to dispatch them is by shooting them in the head.
81) I will not tuck a gun into the waistband of my trousers, where it could go off if I bump into something.
82) I will not hide behind a door with my back resting against it.
83) I will not waste time trying to block the killer from following me by dragging heavy objects in front of a door or knocking things down in front of him or her to block their progress. It never works.
84) Except for when it comes to zombies. Zombies move so slowly, I probably have time to do all that and microwave popcorn, too.
85) I will always assume there is some grain of truth to an urban legend.
86) I will not attend any wild parties when a killer is at large.
87) I will always keep my keys where they’re easy to get to.
88) If someone tells me to stay quiet, that’s what I’ll do.
89) If I know I’m going to be moving to a new house with a bad history, I will be taking up martial arts.
90) If one of my friends decides to be an idiot and check out the strange noise, I will knock them out and tie them up. Not passively follow them.
91) Alcohol is a Bad Idea.
92) I will never make a wish unless I have first covered every loophole that there can possibly be. And triple-checked the list. And got a lawyer to check it.
93) I will invest in a good pair of running shoes. I just have to be faster than the other guy.
94) If a window is stuck open, I will not stick my head out to see what the problem is.
95) I will not summon a demon, ghost, or anything else that is out of this world.
96) If someone looks shocked at something behind me, I will not turn round to see what they’re looking at.
97) If someone creepily calls my name, I will not investigate.
98) I will become an expert in disarming anything explosive.
99) If I’m with a scientist who wants to study the creature stalking me and my team, I will lock him in with the creature. Poetic justice.
100) I will not hide under a car.
Ink of Blood 